I love my ball of poo wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Since her birth on 11/11/22 my entire life has changed. Before I had a kid randoms on the internet tried to force their opinions on me. They’d say…
“Overpopulation is a problem, dontcha know.”
“Only selfish people have kids.”
“I’m happier with my dogs.”
I’m not here to judge. Having kids is a deeply personal choice and it’s not for everyone. You do you.
Here are my thoughts about kids after being a dad for 7 days.
Prepare to fall in love with the world of poo, piss, and vomit
Human bodily liquids freak me out.
When I see a stray poo on a public toilet seat, I have a meltdown for a week. It scars my fragile brain.
My newborn daughter has changed all that.
As soon as she was born the nurses handed her to me and she pissed all over the brand new sweater I wore to her birth to look good for the super-cute instagram photos I’d later post. It was tragic. My wife laughed.
Then I got her home and the first few days she just loved to vomit on dad. I used to do laundry weekly. Now I do it daily. She has pooed, pissed, and vomited on everything we own. And I love it.
Changing her diaper is the highlight of my day.
I tell people I’m like a member of a Formula One pit crew. I can get the dirty diaper off and clean her bum so fast I’d probably earn a Guinness World Record because of it.
Human bodily fluids smell different when they’re from your baby.
It’s bloody hard to be a woman
Dads like me have it piss-easy.
All we do is supply the sperm, sit back, wait, and then help once the birth occurs. My wife had it ten times harder. The whole giving birth process looks and feels like being murdered.
It’s painful, long, bloody, and takes everything you’ve got.
I don’t know how women do it.
Then when you get the little ball of snot home the woman has to breastfeed them. Sounds easy. It’s not.
The baby likes to bite the nipples. The kid can suck those voluminous new toys for 2 hours, at times. Then you’ve gotta use one of these motorized whipper snipper machines to suck extra milk out with a breast pump, as if you’re a cow being milked for cappuccino froth.
Even if a woman makes it through all of that, they’re the last line of defense. If your baby doesn’t stop screaming then only a mother can truly calm them down if dad’s manly touch fails to do the trick.
In the next life, I suspect I will be born a woman to teach me this hard lesson and make up for my sins of being a dad with the easy life.
I became the daggy dad everyone hates
A few years ago I used to say, “I wish parents would stop sending stupid photos of their babies to everyone. Nobody cares.”
Now I’m that daggy dad.
In every text message I send, I attach a photo of my daughter. The other day a close friend asked me to be a reference on her rental application.
I replied back “yes” and then photobombed her with 20 of my favorite daddy-daughter photos. Her reply said it all:
“Okay, enough man.”
Baby photos are a pain in the ass — until they’re of your own kid. Then they freaking rock.
Prepare to become a navy seal
Babies push everyday scenarios to the limits.
They don’t give a damn if you have to write or go out for dinner with your ex-boss to talk about crypto. They will crush all plans and any good little Tony Robbins productivity routines you’ve got going.
I’ve found I’ve had to become 10x more patient.
I’ve had to accept days will get blown up. I’ve had to let my daughter scream while I’m on a phone call.
I’ve had to tell lazy friends and relatives “sorry, we’re under too much pressure right now. If you’re not coming to help with the housework then we can’t have you visit our daughter.”
It’s self-care on steroids.
You’d think all of these interruptions and struggles would have made me less productive. Nope.
The urgency of a kid destroys:
- And any form of human masturbation
I can see the headline now: “Have a kid to become 10x more productive — or die trying.”
The idea of sleep is non-existent
I got the nightmare kid all the existing parents warn you of.
My daughter doesn’t sleep at night. Period. At 3 am she is wide awake with a devil smile. That’s when she’s at her peak.
She wants stimulation, storybooks, extra feeding, hugs — everything!
And her dumb dad gives it to her without ever questioning her evil motives. I should become a navy seal because I’m officially trained in sleep deprivation. I can operate effectively on ten minutes of rest.
I can drive a car pretty well without much sleep. I can even attend a meeting with an accountant and pretend to understand spreadsheets without breaking character and looking like I have energy.
Kids make you god.
Why are their little scrunched-up faces so damn cute?!
I thought I could resist the allure of a baby face. I can’t.
My daughter pushes every manipulation button known to man. She smiles and I melt like butter. She farts and I say “awww you’re so cute.” She projectile pees in my face and I’m cool.
I just have the urge to kiss her and tell her I love her like a hundred times a day. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not a softy. I’m a hardass (I thought).
Bringing it all together
The critics say having kids is a bad idea.
After the last 7 days I can’t say I agree. Sure, they blow up whatever life you had before they entered your world. But every moment is worth it.
No pain, no gain. No discomfort, no growth. And until you’ve truly loved another human being for reasons you can’t explain, you haven’t lived.
So let’s all go make some more babies??? I don’t know. Need sleep.