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I Got Married (Finally)

by | Nov 30, 2021 | Life

Coroni-macaroni didn’t want us to get married.

Well F-You Coroni!

Our wedding got canceled three times because of lockdowns. Nothing could stop us today. It happened.

The photos are a little strange. We got married next to Parliament House. The steps were full of riot police and protestors. The uneducated were protesting about vaccines again. It looked more like a party though.

A few bragged they were there for ‘the drinks.’ A few said they had already taken the vaccine. One guy handed out icy-poles — protestors took one and then sucked on it together with their neighbor (super spreaders).

Unmasked rebels approached us as we walked down the street.

“The police will let you through for wedding photos if you ask them.”

I tried to keep my distance. Coroni was guaranteed to be present amongst the mob. We approached the steps of Parliament.

“Excuse me officer, could we take one photo on the steps?”

Officer: “No. Photos are prohibited.”

Getting married during one of the weirdest times in history comes jam-packed full of lessons. Here’s a few I’ve learned that you’ll find useful.

Getting married isn’t for everyone

Announcing you got married can be a joyous experience. There’s another side though. Not everyone wants to get married.

I have friends who are happily single for life. I have other friends who are happily divorced and never want to get married again. When I told friends our good news it made me feel awkward with certain people.

If you get married or are already married, don’t rub it in other people’s faces. Marriage is deeply personal. For some it works. For others it doesn’t. You do what works for you.

Cheap weddings should be mandatory

Our wedding cost less than $1000. That means we didn’t have to go into debt or give up our life savings to the sacrificial wedding planner gods.

We got out cheap. On purpose.

We had a total of two guests — my mother and father. I used my 7 year old Canon Camera to film the event. We took a $30 Uber to the government wedding registry office. Make no mistake though, the government office is hundreds of years old and absolutely spectacular.

The entire ceremony went for 15 minutes, yet it was incredibly special to us.

You don’t need to go big with a wedding to show off and achieve instagram success status.

Three of my friends are about to get married. I told them about how good we felt the option we chose is. Now all three are ditching the rip-off wedding scam plan and getting married at the same place.

Inspire others to take a low-cost wedding. Let it save them a lifetime of debt that will subtract from their happiness.

I shouldn’t admit this about my wedding

We did something taboo before our wedding. We got marriage counseling. Nobody ever talks about it.

Getting counseling is seen as weakness. I learned that when I had mental illness and saw firsthand why we don’t seek help when we need help.

It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to have parts of your relationship you need to work on. It’s okay if you’re not starting married life out as perfect.

Assume failure and get help in advance.

Weddings can be a performance

Weddings feel like the musical “Hamilton.”

A bunch of normal humans get dressed up in periodical outfits and pretend to be happy. Cheesy smiles are everywhere. Family members who haven’t spoken to each other for decades do pretend handshakes and fake hugs. Kids attend and wish they could be at home playing Playstation.

The bride and groom read from scripts. The only interruption to the performance is the legal script. Yesterday the celebrant mentioned to my partner and me the law and the government several times. They called our two guests “witnesses.” They explained (briefly) what happens if we break the marriage law. They used our full names and checked our ids.

For many, a wedding is a performance. That’s not what I wanted. I don’t need to look happy in front of a bunch of strangers and craft scripts written by Shakespeare to read out. I don’t need three courses of food that I’ll be paying off for a long time.

I don’t need to prove to anybody I’m in love. A marriage is between two people and it’s private. Everybody can join the party after if they choose.

Choose real love, not a performance that looks like love.

Getting married is stressful AF

Even with no guests and nothing fancy, it’s stressful. A wedding dress is like a crown jewel being escorted to the airport by the police so it can be shipped to a new location.

The back of my wife’s gown had a lattice pattern that had to be done up to secure the dress in its position. I did a practice run. One hour and many f-words later I got it done. It looked terrible.

My mother came to the rescue on the big day. Still it proved tricky. We both had make-up done at home. It took hours longer than expected. We were nearly late. At one point things got so stressful that I fired up the old “Calm” meditation app and did a session. Surprisingly, I reactivated my monk mode.

What causes stress is the need for perfection.

You want your wedding to be perfect. If one thing goes wrong it can feel like it’s a nuclear disaster. This lesson bleeds into other areas of life.

Lower your expectations to decrease your stress and increase your happiness.

When people can’t come it breaks your heart

My in-laws couldn’t make it for the big day. They desperately wanted to be there. They are trapped at home because of coroni.

The day before our wedding they sent a heartfelt video wishing us well. They don’t speak English and took the time to learn a few sentences, especially for our big day.

We hope to see them at the end of January if their big, red, communist flag country decides to loosen border restrictions.

The challenge with weddings is not everybody can attend. Sometimes you have to accept failures and move on.

It’s better to try and fail, than to wait for the perfect time and never succeed.

The wedding invitation game of broken dreams

Wedding invitations are a pain in the butt. The lucky ones that get one feel like they won the lottery and get to have a day of drunken debauchery on your credit card.

Those who don’t get an invite feel left out.

It’s a terrible decision one has to make. That’s why the zero invites model for weddings works a treat. Nobody gets left out so everybody stays your friend.

The best relationship book I found in the process

Before the wedding we both read “The Five Love Languages.” It helps you predict all the things that might go wrong so you can handle them in advance. Essentially, we each have a language that makes us feel love.

Many couples speak opposite love languages so they end up in fights for no reason. We took the time to learn each other’s language so we can avoid some of the perils of marriage.

Reading makes you better at everything (including marriage).

It all boils down to this

Not everybody should get married. That’s okay. 

You do you. Do what feels right. Enjoy life. Find one partner. Shag multiple partners for life if that’s your vibe.

Choose what makes you feel happy. And no matter how hard you try, marriage can fail too.

So always be humble and don’t shame those who become divorced, because one in two couples will experience it.

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