Getting pregnant equals winning the lottery.
My wife and I have our first daughter due on 11/11/22. With a date like that she’s either a witch or the savior of the human race. Naturally, as her over-eager father who knows nothing about parenting, I think it’s the latter.
Here’s what I’d say to my unborn daughter if I could talk to her right now.
Don’t ever let this moment end
Dear Ms Denning, we can’t wait to meet you.
On the day you’re born we hope to freeze time. We don’t want to waste any of it. Papa will have his phone and laptop switched off. All the focus will be on you. I’ll even get your mother to delete that TikTok app she loves so much.
For you, the day you’re born won’t mean much. It’s not something you can remember. Such is human life. I pray for your safe delivery into this world. I pray for zero complications and that you’re healthy.
Now if you get daddy’s big ears, don’t be angry. Those ears hear things others don’t. Imagine hearing through walls. You’re welcome.
Some believe in the myth of mixed-race babies
Now I gotta warn you baby girl…
Some crazies believe in mixed races. Technically your heritage is Australian, Chinese, Irish, British, tiny bit of Russian, and many other countries yet to be revealed until a DNA test happens.
Your mother and I only believe there is one race: human.
If anyone tries to put you in a race box and tape it shut, resist them. Or let papa flex his work-in-progress muscles. Joking not joking.
In Australia the lines between races are blurred because the number of immigrants is higher than 50%. So this whole mixed-race thing is stupid. Ignore it. Treat people fairly.
Paradigms for girls are being broken with a sledgehammer
When your mother told me you’d be joining us for some family fun, I gotta admit, I was scared.
Some days I can barely manage myself. Those are the artifacts left behind from severe mental illness earlier in papa’s life. Don’t worry. I’ll figure this out. Just know I’ll be making up the rules as I go.
Now you must know I tend to be an over-planner. I got mama an SUV with millions of airbags to keep you safe. If this car rolls over on the road you’ll be in a metal capsule full of pillows. I got you a plastic giraffe too.
It’s cute and you’ll love playing with it.
I also bought a neon rocket. Truthfully, it was supposed to be for papa’s online business to signify we’re taking online writing to the moon. The rocket doesn’t work on camera though. It flickers.
Papa didn’t do well in science class. Otherwise, he would have known that neons flicker when filmed by high-definition webcams.
When I was a kid it would have been a sin to give a baby girl a rocket ship and hang it on her wall. That was a boys’ thing.
Girls were supposed to wear pink and play with barbie dolls.
Good news: the world finally changed. You’re being born into a world where skin color, gender, sexuality — all the lines are being blurred.
So girls can have rocket ship neons on their walls and their daddies won’t get shamed for doing so. Plus this rocket cost $300 kiddo and mama would have my balls placed in bear trap if the money didn’t go to good use.
A child is a legacy
You don’t know this yet but papa had a near-miss with cancer a few years back. I wasn’t sure if this magical moment would ever happen.
But thankfully nothing happened to me.
Now with you’re pending arrival into this world, I can die a happy man. I’ve left something behind. I’ve left the world better than I found it by having you.
At the same time, this life you’ve been given isn’t going to be easy. Some days you may curse me for being born. But I promise it’s all worth it.
The hard times are the good times, looking back.
Becoming a kid again is fun
Your papa is basically a big kid in an adult’s body.
So secretly we’re going to watch all the kid’s shows together. We’re going to have fun at the playground. We’re going to ride bikes, go on camps, and do whatever wild sh*t you want. Oops. Sorry. Your papa has a potty mouth.
See, when you get older society will try to get rid of your curiosity and imagination. We’re going to try and fight the resistance. We’re going to stick it to the man and do everything we can to save your curiosity and imagination.
With those two tools you’re going to change the world.
Privilege is a virus
You’re being born in Australia.
Where we live is nice. We have no guns, no violence, and free healthcare. You’ll later learn this is what paradise looks like. We do have sky-high property prices and some of the highest taxes in the world though.
But still, living in Australia is a luxury. That means unless we acknowledge it and use it for good it can become a bad thing. We can become ungrateful. Or worse, we can become entitled.
You won’t become an entitled child.
We’ll coach you to help others, be kind, and to practice gratitude. Naturally, you may refuse. But we’ll do our best with the information we have.
Don’t let looks define you
I don’t know what you’re going to look like. But I have visions sometimes when I sleep. Papa had Goldie Locks blonde hair. Your mama has black hair. Papa has a big nose so hopefully that skips a generation.
Your mama has a great buttocks (so I’m told) so that’s a gift from her.
Either way it doesn’t matter what you look like. In your papa’s generation looks were a big deal, especially for girls. Thankfully we now realize looks are such a shallow way to view another human.
What a great time to be alive.
These are some of the best times in history
You’re being born into a pretty kickass world.
By the time you’re born the global economy should be recovering from a deep recession. The bat virus still sweeping the globe should have calmed down too.
OMG. You’re so lucky you weren’t born a year or two ago. We were locked in our homes. No playgrounds. No patting puppy dogs. No kissing/hugging.
Now that’s all over. The post-bat-virus world is looking pretty cool. Electric cars are going mainstream. Yolo Elon Musk is taking us to Mars for a party. Strange flying objects from other galaxies are now officially legit.
When you’re old enough to drive, cars will drive themselves. I know, amazing, right?
There’s one problem I haven’t told you about.
Humans have treated the planet like crap. There’s a lot of pollution. This is a big problem. Don’t worry, solutions are on the way. The effects can be reversed. Or we can pack our bags and follow Elon to another galaxy.
It may look like your mother and I have screwed you. But I promise we haven’t. All hard problems can be solved thanks to human ingenuity.
There is a solution. You just have to believe and be optimistic. We do. That’s why we decided to have you.
The world isn’t perfect. But it’s yours to change and bend how you see fit.
See you bright and early on the 11/11/22 kiddo. Can’t wait to meet you Ms Denning. I’ll show you around and give you a guided tour of earth.